Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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