the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Oh god it's open bar.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
