i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
