I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
