Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is Oprah even human
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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