If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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