I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
