Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
