I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dignity is for republicans.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
