the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
