i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
