I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
