Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
