Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
