Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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