It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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