dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We got so high we made milksteak
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
