There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
the day after is always just damage control
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize