3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
