Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize