Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
