he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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