I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
