Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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