Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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