the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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