i can't believe i had my finger in that
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
