I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
