We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
