By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
