Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
