Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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