My nipple is on Facebook.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
