My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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