Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
