My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
