even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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