why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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