There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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