I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
