Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
