You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
