If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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