Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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