I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
