i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
