i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
