Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
