hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
