Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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