I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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