I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
