I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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