I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
