I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
