is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
