I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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