i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
