long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
