I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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