I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My life is pants optional.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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