GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
