how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
